Dear me, trust yourself

Coexisting with my financial fears

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“I fear taking loans,” I said to my financial mentor.

She replied, “Rachna, I’ve seen you consistently building wealth in this community for the last five years. I trust that you can always pay off your loans if you ever take one.”

I realised that sometimes we trust ourselves a lot less than people around us do.

I was still not very convinced. See the level of self-doubt I can have 😉. So she asked me to do a simple exercise: write down what I currently think about loans and what they might bring into my life.

Well, I see a loan as a big burden (especially with the inconsistent freelancing income), something that might make me a little anxious (hello, EMI fear), something that might take away the randomness of doing things just for fun, including unplanned travel, and something that might push me to take up uninteresting projects for some extra bucks. In all, I see it as a big monster that will take my freedom away — and freedom is a very precious thing for me.

But on the other side, I realised that what I’m looking to buy with the loan could help me create the lifestyle I envision for myself. It brings a sense of security and independence. It offers a space to pursue my passions. It gives me much greater control over how I want to spend the next few decades of my life. It opens up the opportunity to travel to other countries. It might push me to streamline my freelance career (which is good in a way). It supports a calm and slow lifestyle.

And while I work to pay it off, it may help me shift my relationship with money/debt and get over my fears. I imagine coming out on the other side feeling more confident, calmer and financially aware.

I see now that there is a tradeoff.

It may take away my freedom in the short term, while supporting me in designing a long-term life around my core values.

I was listening recently to a podcast by

Andy J. Pizza

around building creative habits. Andy shared a tip that really stuck with me — keep the habit as the constant, but play around with the variables.

If sketching is the habit I want to build, the variables can be the medium, what I sketch, or even the playlist in the background.

That got me thinking — what if I treat this decision (of taking a loan) the same way?

If the loan becomes the constant, what variables can I play with to reduce my fear and anxiety?

Maybe I can decide the loan amount I’m comfortable with. I can dip into some existing savings. I can design a repayment plan that aligns with my freelance income and still leaves room for random travel.

As I weigh all of this, I also pause to ask: What does my "enough" look like?

The idea isn’t to earn more and more. The idea is to live better. There’s no end to “more.” We may be accumulating wealth, but what value does it hold if it doesn’t allow us to live a life that reflects our core values?

I still have a big fear around money and debt. And the more I read or listen to even the wealthiest people, the more I realise — this fear is universal. It doesn’t go away with more money. It stays, only at a different level.

What seems to change is the threshold. Some people get anxious when they’re left with a few million. Others feel it at a few thousand. The fear is constant, and it comes from deeper, existential fears — like the fear of death, or the fear of not being respected, loved, or admired.

So here I am — still trying to wrap my head around the idea of taking a loan. But I’m also opening myself up to seeing it as something I can leverage.

Earlier, I thought of it as a monster.

Now? I think I’m somewhere in the grey — still figuring it out, but no longer frozen by it.

Take a Little Pause 🌼

What does your enough look like?

I’d love to hear. 😊

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My Moment of Pause/Calm🌿

Treating myself with some books around following unconventional paths :)

What have you heard, seen, or done this week that brought you a moment of calm? I’d love to hear! 💛

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Now?

Sharing what I’m watching, reading, and learning!

📺 Slowly watching: Nothing at the moment. Any suggestions?
📖 Happily reading: The Pathless Path by Paul Millerd, Practical Yoga Psychology by Dr. Rishi Vivekananda, Art and Fear by David Bayles & Ted Orland, Right Kind of Wrong by Amy Edmondson(More book recs? Check my list!)
🎨 Doing: Continuing with my Procreate exploration. On Day 19 of 100.

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Take care! 💛
Rachna

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I write Take a Little Pause for those who wish to live a wholehearted life. This newsletter is a journal of my experiments in living wholeheartedly, with each post accompanied by visuals created by me. If you’re on a similar journey, subscribe for free, or consider becoming a paid Patreon to support my writing and help me publish a coffee-table book. 💛